I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
