drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
