I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
