well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
