its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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