I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
