I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
