At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
