Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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