Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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