She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
