She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
