I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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