Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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