you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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