I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
