Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
