Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
