I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
