you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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