So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize