I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
