omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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