I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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