Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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