tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
