This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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