haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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