Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I FOUND THE LEGS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
