i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
