Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
