I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
