My underwear smells like fireworks.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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