What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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