I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
