I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
