i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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