Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
