He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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