youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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