She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
