you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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