Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
