How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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