You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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