I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
