She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Still dying that you shit outside
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
