marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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