Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Too much gin, very little bucket
im holly from the hills drunk
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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