a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
