My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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