it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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