yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
