We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
There are leaves in my underwear?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
