It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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